I am toxic too

The new year is a few hours old, or shall I say the new decade? Gosh, I’m super confused about this whole decade thing,is it ending or is it starting? Ah well. It’s been a few hours since the new year,eighteen hours at least. I spent all morning sleeping off the sleep debt for going to bed after two in the morning. My daughter thinks my fear of deprivation of sleep,which in fact is heeded by how I suffer,is because I’m a SO old. But for a long as I remember I suffer sleep deprivation in the worst ways known,to tears even at times,so surely it can’t be because I’m over 40.

We went to a friend’s house to dine the new year in and only got home after two in the morning and I slept the entire morning, into early afternoon. As I lay in my couch now, dazed,eighteen hours into the new year, I am struck by how I haven’t heard the word resolution anywhere this past few days, either in this mine house or at mom’s or any house for that matter,even the one we were at last night with a bunch of folks.

When I was either age of my children,early twenties and teen, a new year meant a loooooong list of things to do different, in the just ushered new year. And oh these were diverse; academic, sports, behavior, traits, religious, everything, even hand writing. Yup! I have had a resolution to stop the cursive hand writing I felt was imposed on us,to just write. Gosh,I have been a rebellious little thing for a while *blush*. Wait, the webs have nothing on resolutions or those long winded videos on particular subjects that make you want to throw your phone in frustration.

I am social media hopping gawking at all the beautiful people thrown across all corners of the globe,some in the skimpiest where others show only a bit of the noses under the mountain of clothes.

Enough memes to keep my laugher bouts from the couch consistent. Something I love about social media,it’s hilarious throughout if you’re looking for hilarious,in fact it can be anything you want it to be. Instagram; very little said there,lots of pictures and all are really good pictures with just the right light and the right green on the vegetation and the rainbows here don’t have an indigo missing,all of the colors of the rainbow in an instagram picture are as you remember them stated,in full glory,not an almost. The violet is violet. Wisdom spurts and motivational gurus make the rounds and it’s calm here,one could keep scrolling all day but we move it along!

Should I go to Facebook? I have come to hate it,well maybe not such a strong emotion but I rather dislike it for the feelings it evokes from me without consent, in diversity; anger, disappointment, glee, awe, defeat, joy, idiocy (which has come to be synonymous with me there) and a lot more others! Also my two uber Christian uncles are on here and I find myself checking things I write, but I go on anyway! Facebook Ke ko morakeng waitse (insert loud laugh) mme gape go monate! Scroll scroll scroll,sigh, scroll scroll scroll,sigh, and log off with a head shake.

I have gotten exactly what I thought I would. Twitter. Should I? Maybe my new year resolution should be about learning my way here and not be SO terrified of this platform,but geez I still am. Twitter gives me the feeling of the dread of a missed flight and I don’t like that one bit. In my now age I have come to be very careful and remove myself from things that give me feelings I don’t like or those that evoke nasty feelings in me,but this is just Twitter,I could log off isn’t it?

Let me see what’s going on there; Very little pictures, even less words but gosh people talk in jabs here and threads can go go miles! It also makes me laugh like a lunatic, a plus. I love laughing. But wait where is the word resolution here?

Everyone is talking about new things but none with intention that was resolutions made and wrote down in my teens and twenties. What is going on? I refuse to go to my business pages. The news are also dreary.

Maybe I must write down my new year resolutions. Wait,Gase has not brought me a journal yet and it’s a few hours into the new year. What is going on with traditions? I tell my daughter to bring me my old journal and lament to her about no journal from uncle Gase,a tradition he has kept since we left university.

“Maybe you’re toxic!” my daughter says to me as she gives me my old journal. I sit up both in shock and also to receive the journal from her extended hand. “Huh?”

“Well everyone is cutting off someone this year because they’re toxic!”

“No I am not!” I stress

“Well half the people on social media are cutting someone and that’s maybe the next half and maybe that’s everyone!”

“But what does that even mean? Is it a new word or a new thing that people do?”

And I realise as I say these things to her that as I was going through all of the social platforms as I lay in my couch yes indeed that is what everyone is doing over a resolution this year. Is it a decade thing? I have mentioned that I remove myself from situations that make me feel a certain type of way, well and good. I know for a fact that I would not sit a bad marriage (I’ve been told it’s because I haven’t been married) and when people insist to show me their bad over me trying to see good all the time I stop trying, but why is the entire population cutting toxic people out of their lives? Does this mean we’re all bad in some ways to our families and our friends? And is this not the case of throwing the baby out with the bath water? Have we tried mends and can’t anymore and so shall cut people off?

Close to home,am I maybe toxic too? Is someone going to cut me off? Would I want to know I had been toxic and like a cancer removed? Would I want a second chance. Are human relations that flimsy? I am the greatest advocate for well rounded happy and free, and would be first to eliminate things that didn’t work well in this plan to stay in my endorphin infused lane but I also love people and community and what it means to feed off off each other and support, care for, laugh with, visit, live with, love, hug, cry with, to not want to cut off human beings from my space without giving them a second chance at trying or at least telling them. Yes,it didn’t look like this cutting off was going to be communicated. Rather the texts just stop I suppose, the random calls dry, the shared memes stop coming into your phone, the let’s do dinner/coffee dry up!

Doesn’t this scare humans? Isn’t this being human and all what it means?

And if I am the toxic one and I’m gospeling toxicity? It is going to be a rather interesting decade! I am toxic too!

Happy new year!